Getting Douchy….sprint style.

What we need is a way to combine our love for cycling with beer and lots of dudes with lame apparel (oh and some old dudes and some underage girls). One of those dudes should be my city council liaison too (far left of photo). Well thankfully the people at RIDERICHMOND.NET have provided us with such an event and to top it off, ample documentation of what this gathering would look like. Thankfully, all of these photos look equally contrived as many of the hip tarck cycles that currently grace the city streets. Fortunately for this crowd they could go home assured that they weren’t completely douchy as there was at least one actual biek messenger (a US champion none-the-less!) present at the races. What I can’t understand is how he wasn’t one of the actual winners of the goldsprints who graced the podium and what the implications of this are for the Richmond cycling scene….are we so deep in our roster that even amateurs who spend more time drinking than miles cycled can actually win out over biek messengers in events such as these or have these competitors sat out more prestigious events due to other complications that would taint their results (doping anyone?)? I guess we will never know the answer to that question, but what is certain is that dude in the middle here may have been in for quite a rough night following his win and that following a clearly exasperating first photo, dude on the right of this one has already sought to tweet about his experience before the shutter of the camera even snapped again:

While far left dude was clearly recovering from his epikk ride:

a future LA anyone? Stick to your guns dude….since cyclists are known for their epikk arms and all. Ahh irony but I digress. Or maybe I don’t…like this guy with the super ironic mustache who is clearly not into what hipster guy next to him is exclaiming anyway:

I guess the chaperones up top approved his message, as they are clearly watching intently to observe what he says (kinda like how LA has a special assistant to keep tabs on what Floyd Landis is tattling on this week).

Why, they even allowed a couple of members of the wingnut collective to participate as seen here by the clearly “anarchistic” attire being worn by this fellow. Nothing says “down with the man” like a newly sleeveless jean vest and some too tight black jeans because that has never been done before and is clearly stylistic “anarchy” in itself.

All of this and what I really don’t get is how an event was sponsored by a retail store that doesn’t exist. In fact I was across the street from this “store” yesterday from some obligatory monday “dolla” za’ (pizza brah) at Papa’s on Hull street.

I knew the fashionable missing letters from their name indicated some association with FGFS (fixed gear freestyle or doing flatland tricks on big bikes with 700c wheels in ways that are less remarkable) but I wasn’t quite positive this had to do with cycling. Well turns out it does but they don’t actually sell a whole lot of anything….a couple frames, some ugly clothes and parts that could easily be obtained from a legitimate bicycle store with support in case of a need for a replacement but if you are willing to forgo all of that for some easy “street-cred” you can still order a total of a frame, some t-shirts, and definitely a deep V wheelset from them. In fact they should probably do a collabo with these guys:

Since christcycles actually exists and all..and arguably is the better deal to buy into the scene even if you have to listen to a little proselytizing before taking ownership of your new fixie in christ colorways (blood red of course).

So now that I’ve gone and been all dickish twords everyone in the city who doesn’t have gears (or a Rolhoff) I fully expect to feel the pain-us and by that I mean that big dude in the first photo cozying up behind me when I win at the next “retro-grouch douche off” where the events will include riding that ironic guys mustache and making a derailliure out of a PBR can with only a pocket knife.  To even qualify to participate you have to smugly transport your kids to a secret location that is closed to auto traffic and is only revealed to participants with the purchase of a Brooks saddle from that non-existent biek store. One thing is for sure, make sure your brakes work good before you leave the house because storefront or not I doubt anyone there will ever know how to adjust them correctly but they are pretty good at making sure your chainline is “unreal”.



8 thoughts on “Getting Douchy….sprint style.

  1. I got snaked by a kid going full tarck on Shafer Street today. It really burned my ego, esp. since I just got tagged in 15 old Sprint Club pics on FB.

    1. I believe the term is “shoaled”….and that was an elephant trunk skid BTW. Anyhow, being of the scene from decades ago holds little water in todays current market where marketing fabrications and current trends dictate what an acceptable “build” looks like. Your SS redline is worthy of nothing less than a polo “build-up” but with all of those useful items on the bike like fenders, lights, and brakes you have managed to sell out your street cred to accomodate reality. Go Tarck or go home (which would be under someones stairs passed out from “Sparks” and “Four Loko’s” if we were “keeping it real” like the old daze) but you will most likely goto Europe where “Cycle Chic” will consume your being and you will become a godzilla….sorry but be prepared from some Cat 6 shoaling when you get back to the states.

  2. damnit. And this whole time I’m thinking “dude keeps mispelling “track””. What a loser I am.
    WTF is shoaling, too?!
    I need to pull my head out of the sand.

    1. “Shoaling” is when you are riding along and come to a stop at the light for example and another rider (probably on a fixed gear….I’m just saying they are tark as fuc) sees the need to butt in front of you at the light….i.e. “Stuart was “shoaled” in shafer court by a hipster on a tarck biek while riding along at a reasonable pace to accomodate pedestrians.”

      1. Little different actually, “snaking” is attacking the lead in a non-competitive setting and passing at a dangerously close distance without warning so as to surprise said lead. A maneuver most commonly performed within six blocks of campus.

  3. The guy next to the bike messenger you love so much, the one with the “ironic mustache”, is also a bike messenger.

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